Characters in a Romance *** 999 Words

“I’m going to prove it,” Herb said as he quickly opened and shut the front door.

“Herb what are you doing now?” shouted Mabel.

“I’m looking for the edge of the page. I’m going to sneak up on it.”

“Herb, we’re not characters in a romance. We’re real living people. Characters in a romance can’t see the edge of the page or any page numbers. Look around? We’re in full color and three dimensions. I can still smell the bacon I cooked this morning. This is real life, Herb.”

“Not necessarily, Mabel. We could have a really good writer like Nora Roberts who makes her copy come alive by ‘five-sensing’ it.” Herb said.

“That’s just like you Herb. You can’t be a character in an ordinary romance; you have to a character in a Nora Roberts' novel.”

“If you’re going to believe in an author, why not a great one? Besides Nora Roberts writes lots of books,” Herb said as he looked under the couch.

 “Stop that, you’re driving me crazy.”

“I tell you, Mabel, we’re characters in a romance.”

“Herb, for your information, characters in a romance don’t talk about being characters in a romance – it’s called alienation. It breaks the spell and ruins the reading experience.”

“We could be in a paranormal romance or a post modern romance. Post modern novels are very self-referential; they love to remind readers they’re reading a novel.”

“No one would write a post modern romance, Herb.  The last readable post modern novel was the Erasers  by Alain Robbe-Grillet and that was in 1964.”

“I can’t help it Mabel. I just have this feeling.” Herb said.

“Look in the mirror Herb. What do you see?”

” I see me.”

“Look again, Herb. You’re 55 years old, 50 pounds overweight, five foot six and you’re bald. When was the last time you read a romance where the hero was less than six feet tall?”

“A couple of years ago someone had a hero who to quote ‘was just under six feet’.”

“Herb, I love you, but you’re not hero material.”

“Maybe we’re in a Silhouette Special Editions romance designed for short fat people.”

“Herb, no one who really is short and fat would want to be vicariously short and fat in a romance. They would want to be tall and handsome and broad shouldered with a tight little behind, powerful callused hands and bold chiseled facial features.”

“Maybe we’re going to be turned into beautiful people before the story is over. We could be in a fairy tale romance.”

“Herb, if we were characters in a romance then we’d only exist when someone was reading our story.”

“So?”

“So, the  world would flicker whenever we go in and out of existence. Have you noticed any flickering?  Ever?”

“Maybe we’re in a best seller and there is always someone somewhere on earth reading our story. Besides when you flick out of existence, you are not there to notice it. Wow, it just occurred to me. Someone is reading this right now?”

“Say hi to them, Herb.”

“Hi, reader.”

Door bell rings.

“Herb, get the door.”

“Now who’s that?” asked Mabel.

“It’s Sal.” Herb said.  “What are you doing here, Sal?”

“I’m not sure. The story calls for a second hero, so here I am.”

“Mabel did you hear that?  Sol’s here to be the second hero.”

“Sal’s your flunky. He’d say anything you want him to.”

“Sal do you believe we are characters in a romance?”

“Heck, no.  I believe we just play characters in a romance but we are really real”, Sal said.

“Herb, no romance has two heroes. The RAW definition of a romance is that it is a story of the growing love relationship between a man and a woman with the romance being the central focus of the story and there being a happy ending with a marriage or the expectation of a marriage in a reasonable time thereafter.”

“So?”

”So there can’t be two heroes.”

“There can be anything the author wants. Like I said, this 

could be a paranormal.”

“So let’s just assume this is a romance. We’re already married,” Mabel said.

Sal interrupted, “All I know is I’m suppose to be the second hero. Just once I’d like to be the first hero. I’m always playing second hero.”  

“You’ve done this before?”

“Sure, anytime someone starts to read our story it begins all over again.”

“You mean like some kind of Neitchean eternal reoccurring nightmare?”

 “Listen to yourselves; you guys don’t talk like characters in a romance. You sound like people in a loony bid. Romance authors are sensible. They don’t write gibberish."

" Maybe this is by some wantabe author. Oh my God, I hope were not a manuscript. trapped in a slush pile.”

“Herb, there is no author and you are not a character in a romance,” said Mabel.

“So now you’re denying the existence of an author? Do you think you wrote the story yourself?  Or do you think the story wrote itself? I didn’t take you for an a-authorist. That’s not a healthy position to take if it turns out we really are characters in a romance.” Herb said.

“Herb, this is reality!   It’s the ‘I think therefore I am’ kind of reality.”

“How do I know it’s really me thinking that I am thinking”?  It could be some author writing that I’m thinking that I am thinking when in actuality I’m not thinking anything at all,” Herb said.

 “Do you guys think you need me anymore?” Sal asked.

“Why? Did you get a part in a sequel?” Herb asked.

  “Oh my God, I see it?” Herb said.

”See what, Herb?”

“The end of the page. There’s only a few lines left and the story is over.”

“I don’t see anything, Herb.” Mabel said.

“Maybe you’re not meant to see it? Maybe you only see it when you believe it."  

“Oh my God! Herb, I see it,.” said Mabel.

“There’s only one line left.”

“Romances are the emotional vitamins of the soul.” Vince