Love The Man, Love His Child?

I like children best at other people's houses. So I wouldn't marry a man who had children because I don't want any.  If I happened to get pregnant, I would have the baby, but I have doubts about my maternal instincts, so it is better than I don't. Luckily, I'm in menopause so there is no risk of pregnancy.

Can't wait to read the book! I love the Meet me in Montana series. Really looking forward to Lauren and Seth's story.

I honestly don't know if I could marry a man with a child or not . Right now in my life I'm not ready to have children. Being I've never been in a relationship factors in as well. So I guess right now I would have to say I couldn't, but it doesn't mean that it could change down the road. . 

He wasn't widowed though. Adam was divorced when Daria was a little over a year old. She is now 6 we have been together since she was 3. Needless to say the first few year was extremely rough. We loved each other though and made it through just fine. There was no communication between him and his ex. If they talked it was through text messages. That did not work for me. I was a child of divorced parents until my mother passed away. I feel that there has to be communication. So Adams ex and I set down and talked. We realized that alot of the hostility that was there was worthless and not hurting ne one but Daria. We have joint custody. How we manage this is Daria switches house on Fridays after school. During the summer we do this at 6 o clock. How we do this is Tonya takes care of everything that happens at her house and we take care of things at ours. We have all agreed upon a time that she goes to bed. As far as dicipline we have different view points on so she takes care of it when Daria is with her and we take care of it when Daria is with us. We have been making it a point to go out and do things together like big restaraunts or chuck e cheese, a theme park, or pumpkin patch. When Daria sees us all getting along she seems to do better with everything. I think our arrangement works out really great for her.

Without a doubt marrying someone that already has children adds another dimension to the relationship. One that has the potential to eclipse the central couple relationship. Certainly how it plays out depends on all the adults involved and how old the child, or children are when the couple gets together. 

The more talking and planning the adults do, the better it is for the child(ren). Jessicue--it sounds like you have done (are doing) the work necessary to be successful.

So would a child prevent me from becoming involved with a man? Not necessarily, but I would have to do some talking an planning before getting to the commitment phase.

I don't think I'd have any problem loving a widower's children as if they were my own, and, in many ways, that could be easier than raising a divorced man's children because of dramas with the ex-spouse.  (Jessicue, I love the way you've handled your situation!  That took a great deal of maturity and compassion on your part to insist on contact with the ex and to put the child's best interests first.  I'm sure she loves you for that!)  On the other hand, children mourning a deceased parent can sometimes resent the interloper because they feel it means Daddy no longer loves their deceased parent and is giving his love instead to another woman.  Children in either situation can feel that Daddy's love is being taken away from them, too.  So, there can definitely be challenges in making all the relationships in such an arrangement work.  When they do, however, they can be wonderful for the children as well as the adults.

On the other hand, if my DH had died when our daughter was small, I'm not sure I would have trusted anyone enough to even date until she was grown.  You hear far too much on the news about the boyfriend or the step-father abusing his wife/girlfriend's child either physically, verbally, sexually, or some combination of the above that I don't think I would have risked it.  (That's not to say there aren't some evil step-mothers/girlfriends out there, too, but you don't hear as much about that.)  After all, her safety and well-being would have been my top priority.

FF, trust me, you wouldn't have had to worry about your maternal instinct kicking in if you had become pregnant.  I know how you feel about your cats (your own and the strays that you care for).  I was never one who rushed up and cooed over babies, either, or asked to hold them.  I didn't have anything against them, but they just didn't hold any particular fascination for me.  I did think that I wanted to have a child and knew that I'd love it, but if it didn't happen for us, I wasn't going to be devastated over that.  I had my animals and loved them like part of the family.  (Still do!)  I certainly didn't foresee myself not working full-time. 

Well, that changed dramatically when my DD was born.  It was like I'd been hit by a mack truck.  I was so smitten with her, so over-the-moon in love with her.  I left my job to be a SAHM, and, well, you know the rest.  My world revolves around her, and I can't imagine not having her in my life.  So, I'm sure it would have been there for you, too, because you have that caring, nurturing spirit.