Waves crashing, molehills growing, and grains of mustard seed.

The waves crashing on my feet reminded me of just how dramatic life can be.  When you’re out in the deep things start rolling way down under your feet.  As they rise up against you they grow bigger and bigger.  When you think you can’t handle anymore, the feelings spew out of you like a mighty ocean wave.  It grows bigger and bigger the more you think about it, and then when it reaches the shore it breaks apart.  What started small then grew enormous falls flat at your feet and you feel as drained as that wave.

Dramatic, now there’s a word for you, ends in anti-climatic.  I’m reminded of the saying, “making mountains out of molehills”.  Where do all the “mountains” we build go?  Do they dissolve away like the wave crashing on the shore?  Do they take up space in our lives that could be put to much better use?  Do we use them to build walls around our heart? 

The disciples asked Jesus why they could not cast out a demon that He was able to cast out immediately.  In Matthew 17:20 Jesus answers them and talks about mountains:   20And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.Lack of faith builds mountains.  When I get discouraged I’m building mountains.  When I get disappointed I’m building mountains.  When I get hurt, angry, jealous, prideful, and a whole list of other adjectives, I’m building mountains.For example, I’ve had a lot of disappointment in my life.  Every time I turn around it seems that someone has failed to do something they said they’d do, or something I thought they should have done.  I’m not surprised by it anymore, I expect it.  I have a feeling the mountain in my life called “disappointment” is at least as big as Mount Everest.  How did it get there, you ask?  Well, for as long as I can remember (and I’m talking 20+ years) I have shut down and pushed people away after I have been disappointed.  Every time that happens I add a couple more dump trucks full of rocky soil onto my molehill.  I stopped calling it a molehill around the age of ten.That molehill was growing.  It usually grew at a much faster rate than my adolescent body could keep up with.  By twelve it had seen stages as a hill, plateau, and finally, a full-fledged mountain.  That mountain is taking up a lot of space in my life.It has almost become a wall of protection around my heart.  It stands proud and tall, ready to block any potential disappointment from getting to close.  It pushes away people when others would be pulling them in.  It wears billboards reminding me of all the hurt that comes when people are allowed behind the wall.  It even occasionally lets down the drawbridge to some unsuspecting sole, just to remind me why I’ve built my mountain.My mountain blocks my path.  It holds me in, while holding others out.  It convinces me that it is better to hide within it’s confines, than to risk the pain that exists outside of it.  My mountain is stunting my growth.I believe the disciples faced mountains very similar to mine.“We can’t do it, Jesus!  We tried, but it just wouldn’t work!”  They cried out to Him.I do the same thing.  “I can’t do that, God!  Those people, they expect too much, they push to hard.  Lord, they don’t even WORK well together.  I’ve tried, but I just can’t do it.”What does God say to us today when we voice those concerns?  The same thing He said to the first disciples so many years ago.  “It’s because of your unbelief.”“No, God!  That can’t be it!  I know You can do anything.  I have faith in you, it’s just me I don’t trust.”“If you had faith the grain of a mustard seed that mountain would disintegrate at your feet like a wave on a shoreline.  It would disappear from your life so fast that you’d never be able to find it again.”“But God, I do have faith that size!  My mountain just won’t go away!  Did you hear what so-and-so said Sunday about the songs we sang?  God, You just don’t understand how mean these people are.”“I don’t understand about how cruel other religious people can be?  Did you listen to the words in the songs you chose for the Easter cantata?  You honestly don’t think I know how mean people can be?  I didn’t ask you to focus on other people.  I asked you to focus on Me.”“I can’t do it, God.  I know YOU can do it, but I CAN’T!  I can’t look those people in the eye, I’m afraid of what I’ll see reflected there.  I’m not good enough to do what You need done.”“Stop making excuses.  You don’t need to DO anything.  You just need to have a little faith.”“I’m trying to let go of the things from my past, God.  I’m dealing with them a few at a time.  It’s just going to take time.”“No, it’s just going to take faith.  Put down your shovel and bucket.  All you need is faith.  I can move that mountain.  I can take it out of your way in one instance.  You just have to believe.”Wow!  This is becoming harder for me to type.  I can’t possibly tell God, or anyone else for that matter, that I want to hold onto that mountain.  How ridiculous is that?“Yes, I prefer to keep this huge mountain in my way.  If we just got rid of it I wouldn’t know what to do.  I’ve gotten used to it being there.  I’m ok with life the way it is. “I’m satisfied to sit and be miserable when God could remove that mountain in the blink of an eye?  No, I would give anything to have that mountain gone.  Wouldn’t I?  It’s holding me back; it’s holding me down.  I’m tired of climbing up it.  I’m run down from walking around it.  I’m exhausted from digging away at a piece of it to find I’ve brought it back tenfold. 

I want to get rid of the mountain, but what about the comfort?

Cat

Let us run with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us; looking only unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. Hebrews 12:1a-2b