How Do You Deal with Romances That Hit Painfully Too Close to Home?

and it depends on my mood

Sometimes I'll have to put it down and come back to it, with another book between each chapter, sometimes I'll put it down and take months to come back to it, sometimes I'll be so fascinated I'll read it straight away

What did you think of "Do They Wear High Heels in Heaven?" by Erica Orloff and "Her Perfect Life" by Vicki Hinze - if you've read them

Would that be the kind of emotional book to which you were referring?

A book that causes me to cry is not necessarily a book to be avoided, though I do like to know in advance because I might prefer to read them at home, rather than in the carpark at work

Hugs

Sadhbh 

If I know in advance that the book is going to touch on a painful topic... then I am not going to be very likely to pick the book up in the first place.  Sometimes, people recommend a book very highly so I give the book a shot, despite the painful topic of the book.  More often though, I just find out about the painful topic when it's revealed in the book, and I have to keep reading just to get to the happy ending, I can't walk away from the book partially read.

Vince, my sympathies for your friend's loss .... that indeed is a tragedy .... suicide, no matter the person's reason, is always hard on the family 

Also, I don’t know if I’m the best judge to determine when it would be the right time to suggest such a book.  Protection is easier than trying to decide when to do something that could hurt another if you get it wrong.

In the matter of books, I would agree that one does not have to recommend books that may be highly sensitive .... but I would not go out of my way to avoid it  .... if this is a book that your friend would normally read, I might gently point out the subject matter and suggest that the book may deserve a pass ... if this is a book that you would be automatically be sharing, then sure keep it to yourself, that is your own council

the desire to protect is a wonderful thing ... but sometimes the protection can slow down the healing process .... one needs to move on

I speak from my own case ... I've had numerous miscarriages all while many of my friends were celebrating births ... it had gotten so silly that some friends felt they shouldn't invite me to the baby showers because it would be too painful .... and ultimately it wasn't so much that it was too painful to me, as no matter my own loss I was very happy for their joy, it was actually too painful to them  .... had they chosen to speak openly I could have aleaved their discomfort, but alas they thought they'd spare my feelings .... which ultimately did the opposite  for everyone

it is to this sort of protection that I was responding to as you had given examples of miscarriage and problems of conception .... violence and violent acts (as is suicide) are totally different and of course, should be given the sensitivity as the individual requires .... and something totally unnecessary as a book, should of course be considered  ...

Vince, I'm sorry to have taken your initial question off topic ... unfortunately, you hit a sore spot when you suggested avoidance of topics ... of course this is highly individual as in the case you stated ..... but take care please ... sometimes kindness is cruel 

I agree with Sadhbh and Kim.  Books can help you deal with emotions that you were not even aware of.   On the other hand, I read mostly SF/Fantasy, which often deals with political themes.  Sometimes, I can't read certain books because it's too close a parallel with the real world. So, I put them away for a time when I'm more prepared to deal with the impotence that I feel when reading them.

character and what happens/happened to me, so I don't necessarily confuse the two. I have been known to cringe as I'm reading a book (Ice Queen by Joey Hill is one example) where the hero was pushing the heroine too hard and seemed to me to be blithely ignoring the probable consequences because he was being very alpha and assuming he knew best for her, and but whether it be fiction or real life, one thing I feel very strongly about is that each person/character should decide for him/herself what is best for them. For example you might want to protect your wife and therefore remove books from the house that might hurt or upset her, the way my opinion works is that you warn her she might want to avoid those books but you don't make the decision for her.

When you consider I've probably read about twenty thousand books since I was born (a conservative estimate) and that some of those books were gems that I might never have discovered but for friends' recommendations and that others I have NOT read were gifts by well-meaning but totally clueless friends, I really truly believe that the ONLY person who can judge what I should read is ME, other people can advise me for or against, but the only person with my "life experience" is me. I'll either handle difficult topics or I won't but it should be my decision, not anyone else's. I understand where you're coming from, the male protective instinct is as strong as the female nurturing one, but would not necessarily agree with you as to the best way to protect somebody, something that is well reflected in a lot of romances if you read in the spirit the character intended how the heroine protests at being locked away from danger/action.

Hugs

Sadhbh

or maybe you're changing lifestyles

As to the right of the one over the right of the many - the pain the other women at the shower feel is just sympathetic pain, the pain of the person who suffered the miscarriage (or whatever) is a lot more immediate, so that's why she should have priority on the decision-making, because she already had no control over her loss, why deprive her of any more control of her life, control is being proactive rather than passive. That's why I think men are so big into protection - it's proactive and we all feel better when we're doing something rather than other people doing/deciding for us 

I read a book in the last couple of weeks which handled the protector thing well, (now if only I could remember which of the twenty-six it was ) - if and when I remember I'll get back to you on this

Because of course a man has a right to protect, but the way he phrases things and handles the matter makes a BIG difference as to whether we females ignore or heed him

Hugs

Sadhbh 

reminded of my attitude recently when a colleague was talking about her nephew-in-law's reaction when his son wanted to take dance classes instead of signing up for rugby

The father in question thought it was far healthier for the son to be interested in something where women outnumber men fifteen to one than the opposite and my friend thought it was a great way to understand women and have interesting conversations with them, which obviously made him a lot more popular for dating and romance purposes than his beer-swilling, rugby-fanatic mates.

"Real men" may not eat quiche, read romances or take dance classes or at least may not admit to doing that but my real man reads Lunas and enjoys them.

I actually prefer real men who don't spout rubbish all the time

Vince if your wife were to pass away a few months before your son's wedding, would your son expect you to stay away because your loss is too fresh and would upset the wedding guests?  .... or would everyone want you to be there to celebrate their joy?

what hurt was that I hadn't been given the choice to decline .... a baby's birth is an miraculous joyous occasion .... perhaps I wanted to share that joy .... after all they were not the one who had experienced the loss, I was .... was I expected to bury myself under my bedcovers?  .... we all grieve in our own way and we all seek healing in our own way ... why not let a person be and act normally?

moral rights? .... hmmmm, is it morally right to shun someone because they've had a miscarriage?  .... or is it morally right that I should avoid all contact with expectant mothers because I might upset them? ... why can't we just be human and share compassion and community .... we are a social species ... we need each other  .... it's healthy to be amongst your family and friends

sometimes if you treat people as if they will shatter they will as they think it's expected of them .... I would have liked a little more respect and trust that I knew myself and my own limitations

and that is very much what I was saying .... being protective is not always protective, sometimes it's showing a person you don't trust they're ability to take care of themselves  .... a person should always have a choice

This question goes to the heart of the need for community. If I understand you correctly, you seem to hold the ethical opinion that the right of the one person to be invited to the baby shower supersedes the rights of the twelve other people at the shower to avoid a painful situation.  The needs (pain) of the one are placed ahead of the needs (pain) of the community. 

Actually, no, I am not taking a stand ethically either way.  I concur with the posts by Katherine T, Merri, and Sadhbh.  To assume one knows what others will feel, what will impact them, etc. is to make a sweeping judgement without actually being in their shoes... whether they are the ones on either side of the issue. Being protective isn't necessarily helpful and that was actually my point.  There are times that being protective causes more harm than good, as the others have also pointed out.

First, I wanted to echo Debiw's statement...I think Katherine T, Sadhbh, Deb and Nancy have really said what I am trying to say.

Second, when I moved out of my discomfort at that funeral to reach out to another in pain, it did more for me maybe but at least as much for me as it did for the husband. What I am trying to say is that reaching out beyond protection to actually engaging people can be bi-dimensional or multi-dimensional in its transformational power. For me that is what I love about romance...not the protector hero.

Maybe 'that fit of weeping' was just exactly what that person needed. By being there for the friend, supporting, accepting and acknowledging their feelings, you will have helped them move on. Even if that movement is tiny--it is still movement. Not everyone moves forward through stages of grief at the same pace, or even in the same way as the next person. How can we know when we have triggered a 'fit of weeping.'

Contrary to what some think, weeping is not a bad thing, in fact, it can be a very cleansing thing.

Okay, jumping off my soapbox

I certainly understand about leaving reviews.  You wonder sometimes if what you write might turn someone off from a book when it might possibly be a book that they would absolutely love.  And then you worry that you might lead someone to read a book that might actually be upsetting to them.  This is sooooo true for me, too.  I really worry about the reviews I leave.  But then, compared to some people who only post the name of the book and absolutely no review at all, I realize that something is better than nothing! 

What you and I both need to always remember is that people will have different interpretations of the same book, so what will effect one person may not effect the other at all.  By the way, Merri, I think you do a GREAT job with your reviews.  They're detailed and informative!  Some people are just good at these things, and you're one of them!

[[[Nancy]]], I know what you mean about people being cruel unintentionally.  It's positively the truth!  And I can't believe your friends and family didn't have your precious Down Syndrome baby a shower.  A baby is a baby, and ALL of them are gifts to us!  My friend's little boy has D.S. and he always brightens my day - finding life every day to be an enjoyable and brand new experience!  I know your friends and family meant well, but it hurt you then, and I can tell it still hurts you.  I hope nothing I said earlier compounded this.  I certainly NEVER in a million years meant to!  I always want to be caring and compassionate. 

that people just dont know how to act in what can be seen as an uncomfortable situation.

the same goes for funerals.   Right after a death, friends, neighbors and family members all gather round.  Everyone says the right words and offer support. But they all disappear after the funeral.   i guess no body really knows how to act or what to say. So they say nothing.

When my mother died, everything was a whirlwind of activity.  Arragements, phone calls, visits....then then day after the funeral, it was so quiet, i heard crickets.   Where did all those people who pledged support go?

I know they were probably dealing with their own greif and feelings, but why offer the shoulder to cry on if they didnt plan on being around ?

Vince you've made me smile ...... there have been a few Presents that I've read where the alpha hero gets a good shake up when the heroine bursts into tears and I could understand the reaction simply because of the way the hero had been portrayed throughout the book

in real life, I think a reaction to someone else's pain is a highly individual thing and not necessarily will genders react so differently .... our characters are shaped by our experiences and the environments in which we've grown and lived ..... I've known women who will react in some of the ways you've mentioned  ... and I've known men who will be the first to pull you into their arms and hold you gently  

I've shown dh your list and asked his opinion ... he chuckled and said well yes sort of to the first three but not for the reasons you've stated with the emotion .... remember my guy is alpha, he's a leader, and he's protective  ..... he said it depends on who is doing the crying ...if it's me, as he knows me and if he understands why I'm crying, he said he may -- back off and let me be on my own to work it out -- reach out and just hold me while I cry it out -- he's says during the times that he knows I don't want him to see me crying, he does feel alittle helpless but it's more because he hates that he can't control the situation ..... if he doesn't know why I'm crying, that alpha in him will want to know why so that he can do something about it ... if it's his mother crying, he comes totally unglued and doesn't know how to react and if one of his sisters is there or me, he'll let us step in ... there was one occasion when dh's father had just passed away that I gave him a gentle push to just hold his mother so they both could share that pain

I don't think any of us feel comfortable around a person in distress .... be they stranger or someone we love dearly ..... the hardest ones to know how to deal with are the acquaintances ..... not knowing someone well, our first instinct may be to stand back and wait for someone else to jump in ..... but if there is no one else, if we are the only ones there ..... my first reaction is to offer comfort .... not physically at first because some people react badly when being touched while vulnerable ... but kind words of "how can I help?" are usually a good begining to offering comfort ..... and it really depends on what the crying is about and what sort of crying it is ...

in a romance .... have you read many Presents written by Lucy Monroe? .... in my opinon, she writes the best scenes where the heroine is so distraught she is inconsolable ... usually she sets the scene with the heroines crying so hard that she is unaware that the hero has discovered her ... Lucy's hero will pull the heroine in his arms and try to ask the reason for the crying and usually the hero just holds the heroine while she crys it out  ... the hero is shaken and may indeed be feeling some of the things you've mentioned, but usually the intensity of the heroines crying will force him to look at his own emotions ....

and perhaps that is what makes some people uncomfortable around others that are grieving .... they don't like the feelings of sadness that someone elses grief may make them feel .... or the feelings of guilt you mentioned ..... in any case, some people are just uncomfortable feeling any emotion that is not a happy one so they avoid situations that may cause that  ... so that again takes us back to the fact that reactions to someone else's pain is a highly individual thing

if you do intend to read a Lucy Monroe, be aware that she covers some pretty tough topics including some of the medical issues you raised earlier ... The Greek's Christmas Baby is a one where the hero has had an accident and cannot remember his wife ...very intense emotions in that love story and a good example of the hero's reaction to the heroine's grief 

Vince ... as far as "Given the above information, can you understand why a man would think of ways of avoiding hurting another "  .....  I think a caring person no matter the gender doesn't wish to cause more hurt ... but there are circumstances where pain should not be avoided and the avoidance only contributes to the pain ..... and as to "I can see now why women don't mind taking the risk" .... this is not exclusive to women .... many men go out of their way to help people in distress, consider the many professions that place a man directly in line to human distress .... clergy, doctors, councilors, teachers, soldiers  .... so no not exclusive to women

I had in mind the situation where the man was the cause of the crying spell. His wife sent him over to personally invite the women to the event.  If a man comes upon a crying woman and he had nothing to do with the cause of her grief, things will be different

Ah, but Vince if you approach a person who has experienced a tremendous loss or personal tragedy and you say something that triggers them to cry, are you truly the cause of the grief? .... in my opinion not .... the tragedy is the cause of the grief not your approach or your comment as you've given in your example ... unless you said them maliciously there is no need for a "guilty" emotion on your part ... you had not been the cause of her grief ... and grieving (crying) is totally human and the "trigger" for a crying can be something totally irrelevant

in example ... when my father passed away .. the first summer I had tried very hard to keep up the Saturday morning ritual of going to garage sales ... this was a standing date I had with my father ... so I took my Mom ... things like a fishing box filled with lures and fancy hooks would bring tears .... so should the person having the garage sale feel guilty that they put the box out for sale? ... of course not ..... approaching some one to invite them to an event that may remind them of a loss is not a bad thing .... we shouldn't hide from the things that may cause us pain nor should they be purposely hidden from us  .....

I will say though it all truly depends on the circumstances and the individuals .... but as death, illness, injury, marital breakups are all part of living I'd say we need to experience the pain of that living and shouldn't be pampered from the experience .... and again I'm not saying to create a situation in a forceful upfront sort of way, as that would require some expertise and training to prevent harm ...... but as part of ordinary living, I say live life and share .... good and bad ......

in my opinion, without the pain we can't fully comprehend the joys and our blessings ...... I have an uncurable and possibly fatal disease .... this has taught me that there are no gurantees ... and that through my emotional and physical pain I can truly appreciate the very many blessings that I've been given

It is amazing you would bring up Lucy Monroe because I've actually been avoiding her as being too emotional.

I love emotional intensity in my romances ... I love a conflict that is highly charged .... I read for pleasure and yes, to escape ... to be taken on a journey that is not my own for a brief time ...... and that's not to say I want to escape my life, but rather that I enjoy being so absorbed that I get the chance to have an experience that does not revolve on my actual life .... I love connecting with great heros and heroines ... and if the author is particularly talented as is Ms. Monroe, I find that the heroes and heroines have become very good friends, I care  ...... to me, when an author can make me care they have done their job as a writer 

the lighter romances are very good ... I love a good romantic comedy, thus my missing some of the great books in the Temptation line or the Duets and Flipsides .... they make a great relief in times when a person needs a lift up  ... but on a norm they are not the books I seek first

Edited to Add:  Vince, in your quest to understand the romance genre you will need to read the emotionally intense love stories as well, as these make up a large percentage of the genre .. I'm speaking of your research ... but on the personal reading front, of course, if emotionally intense stories are hard to read, don't read them

Books that are meant to be read for fun or entertainment can sometimes hit on painful subjects because life can and will be painful. but as a community, dealing with each others pain is varied...and sometimes not always uniform. Some people go to funerals and know exactly what to say and do, sometimes people don't go