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OK, I am somewhat anti-social as well as being older than 20something, but that hasn't protected me from getting sucked into a social network!
Here's my etiquette dilemma:
What do you do when you get a "friend" request from someone who you're not sure you know. Yes, you check out their lists of friends & hopefully find people in common that may jog your memory. But what do you do when, in the 'family' of romance, there are a lot of people who might know of me, just as I might know of them, but we don't actually know each other, have never spoken or met.
Are they my...friend?
When I launched into the uncharted waters of virtual reality, I ran around & made all my friend's children 'friend' me (the 20somethings were everywhere). Then I discovered authors, and found good friends there. But for me there was a delicacy—I felt I had to actually know someone to friend them. I wasn't using the site to do business, reaching out to strangers to expand my circle. I was just trying to find my friends—people I knew, had worked with, had met—virtually or actually.
I tried to always write a message with my friend requests saying Hi, often reintroducing myself and reminding them how we knew each other. That seemed, well, friendly. Like when you see someone at an actual event, you say 'Hello, I'm ... and we know each other from ....' Even if you know them well, you still say Hello! And if you don't know them, of course you introduce yourself.
I realize that there are those for which 'size counts' and like counting piles of money, they delight in piling up a virtual world of people who are willing to be a notch in their friend-post. But I'm just not that kind of girl.
So I have actually ignored friend requests when I didn't know for certain that I knew the person personally (sorry), and it makes me feel so ungracious! But all these requests are impersonal—no note, no greeting, just click here so I can add you to my list—I don't even need to say Hello. And there's also no place on the sites to share your philosophy or to alert people of your feelings on friending.
I worry that I might actually know them, that I ought to have remembered them—I've met them at a conference, they're a Harlequin author, I took them out to dinner, they were kind enough to host me at an event, or may have read my blog (thank you!).
But just like at an event, if someone came up to you and said, 'You don't know me, but I'm a fan of your writing/met you briefly @ a conference/heard you speak...& would like to connect' you'd be happy to get to know them. They've reached out, shared something of themselves, we'd found common ground and become new friends, or friendly acquaintances. Or just a business colleague who chats and hands you their card.
Seems to me the same framework could—should—apply in this virtual world. Friend is a word that means something, and that matters to me.
Many years when I was a 20something my older brother's buddies would complain bitterly that often the girls they were checking out & were interested in wouldn't "put out." My girlfriends noted that that was likely because they weren't "putting in"—actually reaching out & putting themselves on the line.
I'm not comfortable ignoring people, but I do think I am going to maintain the standard. I'm not putting out unless the requester 'puts in.’
is
I also friend
someone if we have a lot of read/genres/authors in common.
Christa ~ Quiet Canadians ~ 2008 Challenge Blog
My Shelfari Page
When I look
at someone's site I need to see we have books in common or some of the same interests. This is all about books and if someone is really reading some good books I want them on my list so it's easier to come back and see what they're reading. Books are a major part of my life as is most of the other people on this site. Anyone with the love of books similar to mine is my friend.
The D2K Paranormal Junkies ~ 2008 Book Challenge Blog
Isabel -- I had to smile as
Isabel -- I had to smile as I read your post. I feel the same way and have wondered if I'm just not 'with it.' It seems as though 'friend' in a virtual world means nothing like it does in real life.
However, I do have some people on eHarlequin who I've gotten to know well enough to consider actual friends and I suppose it all has to start somewhere. Like you though I want to have at least an exchange of messages or something that seems personal about the 'friend' relationship.
Janet
Janet Tronstad
www.JanetTronstad.com
A Dry Creek Courtship, RT Top Pick, Sept '08
Snowbound in Dry Creek, RT Top Pick Oct '08
A Calico Christmas in Dry Creek (historical) coming in November '08
Hey Isabel - I understand your dilemma
and have quite a few people who I don't necessarily either know or chat with request me as a friend because they read my blogs and book reviews (and let's face it there are quite a few of those)
so they may feel they know me, whereas I don't necessarily know anything more about them than they are members here
so I accept them as a friend and hope we'll work on more from there
and if we don't, well at least they felt friendly enough towards me to want to add me to their friends
I generally ask people whose blogs I've commented on or people with whom I've chatted on other people's blogs to be my friend
If they don't want to accept, I don't get offended
Hugs
Sadhbh
Dream Team 2008 Challenge blogs
No more excuses, just READ!
The thing about social
The thing about social networking sites is that you get into them to meet new people -- the old forms of communication are enough if you just want to keep in touch with people you know well in real life. I've participated in 'friending memes' before on other sites, where you friend people you've got interests in common with, who make posts you like, who you'd like to get to know better from their short introductory entry. It's considered polite to at least give a comment to someone you've friended, so they know who you are and get a bit of an idea as to why you've friended them.
Is there really any right
Is there really any right way or wrong way of friending?
This is a social network with a global common interest--reading. But within that global interest there are many more specific types of interests. The many varied types of books would be one, some of the readers are also beginning to do some writing. Beyond that are the folks that have gone beyond the beginning stages of learning the writing craft. Look deeper and you will find the authors. There are quite a few that hang out at various forums and chat with each other, or chat with readers.
So, if you feel a need to only make friends with someone you already know, well, then go for it. However, if there is someone that comes along and you think that perhaps they might be someone you would like to know, go ahead and reach out. Also, if someone reaches out to you and you are not comfortable 'friending' them, well, then don't.
Nancy
Nancy....
I think that was a lovely answer. Social networking is...well, social. There's plenty of friends to be had for the making. And here on eHarl, we at least all share reading in common.
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
- Mark Twain
Amanda...
...you would be a perfect example of someone I 'friended' without knowing ahead of time and I'm very glad I did. I enjoy your insights, your writing and your reviews (even if I never comment on any of them). There are others that I have either reached out to, or they have reached out to me. The best part is the warmth and support I have found here.
Nancy
you know
this world of friends is so differnet there that of your stanard email world of friends and i takes a while to git use two i have been only around here a 2 weeks and still trying to understand it all. iguess the only way to keep up is go w/ the pos are.......
My best friend is a person who will give me a book that i have not read yet.
Abraham Lincoln
At first, I was going to
At first, I was going to accept only the people that I wanted to keep track of on eHQ. And then I thought that that might seem standoffish to people who are more at ease with "friedning". So I decided to accept any requests. This makes the friends list less useful, but it lessens the risk of giving offense.
"Perhaps what the average member of a group is capable of doesn't limit what a given individual can accomplish." -- Boston Globe, letter to the editor
March's Member of the Month!
Different kinds of friends
I've been online for almost twenty years now, meeting my husband online in 1993, and I was online chatting before that. We've been together 15 years, so obviously, you can form very close relationships virtually *G*, and you can also become extremely close friends with people you meet on line. But none of that happens if you don't open up to it. I have several that have become real life friendships. The majority don't, and I wouldn't have time to email everyone on my friends list, LOL, so it's okay if we all just pass by each other in the virtual hallways here on eHarl. Nothing bad about that. I used to pass by people all the time in the hall at work, and we'd say hello, share a few words, or see each other at a party and then move on.
I have memories of online friends as well as real life ones, and both kinds of friendships grow and change or fade away. I've lived and had work online for a long time, and it's been one of the best parts of my life, opening the world to me in all kinds of ways. I never buy arguments that technology "cheapens" anything. It's all about people.
Online life is very much like real life -- there are the people I talk to and trust and we really get to know each other, and then there are "work" friends or people I just come across now and then. They all have the potential to be closer friends, but it's just fine if we all just say hi now and then, too.
The beauty of the virtual world is that it puts you in contact with so many people that you'd never know any other way. Sometimes in both real life and online, you meet people and don't get along, or have arguments, or whatever. It's all pretty much the same, but I think technology has little to do with it. But if someone is on my friends list whom I never chat with, so what? It costs me nothing, there's no harm, and it also means maybe that person and I might develop something somewhere along the line.
When people were shocked that I met my husband online (because this was back before there were online dating services or before it was common to have this happen), I used to think it was no more unusual or risky than meeting someone in a bar or at a party. People's perceptions of technology are one thing, but technology is just the medium, and it's always still about the people on either side of the screen.
Sam
July 2009: Sam's Blaze Texas Ranger is HARD TO RESIST!
Blog with Sam and friends at Love Is An Exploding Cigar
Guest Blog: Dec 4, Lucy Gordon!
As a newbie since April
I never thought I would enjoy blogging but I do. I have only done it since the end of June when I asked for help. Before then I added book reviews and lurked. I am impressd by the helpfulness and compassion I see on this site.
Sam I just love your story and I think you have explained all the friends perfectly.
When I get a little money I buy books, and then if any is left I buy food and clothes..-- Erasmus
Thanks, Nancy!
I'm glad you feel that way.
And, likewise, I've enjoyed your reviews and blogs even if I don't comment on them all. Friendships come in all shapes and sizes, in all forms and ways. Thanks for all the ways you've made me feel welcomed here when I was a complete newbie (and still working my way around the site) LOL. Your kindness is REALLY appreciated!
Sam, you really summed it up well when you said: "Online life is very much like real life -- there are the people I talk to and trust and we really get to know each other, and then there are "work" friends or people I just come across now and then. They all have the potential to be closer friends, but it's just fine if we all just say hi now and then, too." There's certainly nothing to be lost by gaining online 'friends' - even if we do only occasionally cross paths. I've gained 78 friends while here on eHarl (in fact you, Nancy, Kaelee, Crazyfor24, and Fake Frenchie are three of them!), and I'm thankful for every one of them. A good many I cross daily, others I 'meet' only every now and then. But what harm can it do to accept the extension of any friendship here on eHarl? I'm actually flattered by invitations, and am pleased when others accept my invitations. In fact, there's so many wonderful people in the Harl-community who I have a lot in common with - the number one factor being that we all love to read! And there's never a lack of subjects and books to discuss. I never want to inhibit potential friendships by putting up unneeded barriers. Also, here online, we have more freedom to feel relaxed. I love people, but get tongue-tied while talking to several people at once. Here, however, I can be blogging with dozens of people comfortably and without tripping all over my tongue - LOL!
Also, Sam, it's sweet that you and your DH met online. My uncle (from here in Indiana) met his wife online. Since she's from Canada it's necessary that they do alot of traveling back and forth, but they wouldn't have it any other way. So, I don't think it's a bit strange the way you met your man. Relationships often come to us in interesting and unexpected ways. In fact, have you incorporated that into any of your stories by any chance? That could probably have a lot of potential. On the other hand, I'm not sure it would work for a Blaze necessarily...but it's possible.
H'm, me thinks I wrote a book here, Isabel - LOL! Anyway, I hope some of the comments we've made will help you with your decision about friends.
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
- Mark Twain
I like being your friend, Isobel ....
I don't have much opportunity to surf the web ... but I'll have to try to get to your blog and read what's up ....
I do miss your articles and commentaries on what's new in the world of Harlequin .... and the discussion on Harlequin movies ... I love the heads up on the whats what ;)
but being your friend here in the "new" eHarl Community means more .... here in the "new" Community friending you makes it easier for me to find you ... esp. after long stretches where I'm unable to keep tabs here .... so now I'm doubly glad that you're my "friend" :)
it's so very nice to "see" you! :D
KatherineT-eHarlequin ~ Book Challenge Host
I'm a Harlequin Addict, and I'm proud of it! ~ Quiet Canadians Blog
thanks
thanks for calling a friend amanda
i like what sam say said she seem pretty right on i think there the diffenet levels of friendship and it all up to each one of that level depending on how much we open up the world wide waste of time has made the world a smaller world after all
My best friend is a person who will give me a book that i have not read yet.
Abraham Lincoln
Hee
In fact, have you incorporated that into any of your stories by any chance?
Hey Amanda, it was the inspiration for the very first Blaze (and first book) I ever wrote: Virtually Perfect (July 2004). It wasn't based on our story at all (except that the hero is an IT expert, like my own dh), it's obviously fiction, though I did try to make the online relationship and the transition to real life as real as possible -- and was gratified to get many emails after it came out from other people who had met online telling me they really found it reflected their experiences/feelings as well.
Then of course there is my HotWires series, all about online computer cops, and their adventures... I miss them! I had such fun writing those books. I think almost every book I've written has some online component, even if it's just an email...wait, maybe not Pick Me Up, I think... but that one had a cowboy, LOL.
Sam
July 2009: Sam's Blaze Texas Ranger is HARD TO RESIST!
Blog with Sam and friends at Love Is An Exploding Cigar
Guest Blog: Dec 4, Lucy Gordon!
friendships
I totally agree with what you all saying ladies on here about friendship's etc on line and off. Im very shy person so its hard for me to make friends on and off line. Plus Im new here on Harequin community. Still finding my way around etc.
Ive been online since 1998 and have been involved with different forums over the years. Ive had good experiences and bad experience in making friends that have stood the test of time. The ones that have stood that test of time are tehre for me whenever I need them.
patsy
I've always been bass ackward, Sam!
Guess I've only seen your most recent books.
So I'll have to look up Virtually Perfect. Yeah, bet you were swamped with emails from readers, because more and more people are meeting online these days. My DH and I have known each other since I was thirteen, way before the net came into our lives. But we do email each other daily now while he's at work - if that counts! It's not quite the same...but at least technology helps in a small way to keep our marriage strong. Virtual love letters. LOL
You're welcome, Crazyfor24! You're one of my newest friends here in the community.
Patsy, welcome to eHarlequin!!!! Hope you grow to love it here.
And it's also very nice to meet you, Isabel! No, we haven't actually 'met', so I'm just a fellow blogger who's dropped by your blog. But I've enjoyed thinking about what it means to be an online friend. And I'm sure we'll cross paths again here on eHarl.
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
- Mark Twain
Wow!
Thank you all for such great comments, stories and for offering your thoughts and different perspectives. Appreciate there are no 'right' answers, just a personal judgement call that is based on the situation & one's own personality & goals.
For me, eH has a different feel that the big social networks. There are no strangers here, just people I may not have met yet.
As several have commented, it depends on your goals: are you there to meet people, or to stay in touch, etc. And I would add, it also depends on what you are sharing when you connect & how comfortable you are with sharing that with people you don't know, but who connect with you.
One person I heard from said she belonged to a social network (i.e. MySpace, Facebook, etc.) under two different names: her published name and a personal name only her family & friends would know to access. She posted & collected different material on the different sites, which seemed an interesting way to handle things.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts & experiences. Very helpful to enable me tp more fully understand the different options & perspectives.
And I'm reassured that its' 'ok' to want someone to introduce themselves when they send a friend request that requires a response from me.
Great comments, thank you!
is
Hi Isabel
you just requested to become my friend. I guess you have visited my profile page but if not just click on my name and you will find out a little about me. I have taken to blogging a lot but my DH says I will slow down some soon. I think he is being hopeful. I have even blogged for one of my cats on the second Kitty Lit blog site. One thing I know is that everyone here is friendly, helpful and kind. Thanks for asking to be my friend. At first I didn't realize how you made friends and when I did I had a few people waiting and I was so amazed.
When I get a little money I buy books, and then if any is left I buy food and clothes..-- Erasmus
Hey Isabel - I also am aware that quite a few people know who
I am already and therefore I'm afraid of boring them with details they may already know only too well
So for those who don't, I'm Irish living in France married to a Frenchman, two male children currently four and five years old, I'm in my mid-forties and I'm a readaholic
which is usually shortened to
Hi My name is Sadhbh and I'm a readaholic
but all you have to do is look at my numbers for the year and that becomes patently obvious
I don't like July and August because my reading numbers go down and I won't be catching up with my blogging until probably the end of the month
Hugs
Sadhbh
Dream Team 2008 Challenge blogs
No more excuses, just READ!
it
makes me feel good when someone ask to be my friend, like people real want to git to know me
My best friend is a person who will give me a book that i have not read yet.
Abraham Lincoln
Sadhbh
I was blogging for quite a while before I realized that you had two sons. I just envied your reading and your posting.
When I get a little money I buy books, and then if any is left I buy food and clothes..-- Erasmus
Kaelee - DH would consider that to be the downside of my
addictive personality
but what does HE know?
Dream Team 2008 Challenge blogs
No more excuses, just READ!