My Recent Comments

Hi Anita Mae:

                  Based on what you've explained, I am going to have to agree with you, Dee, and Hope.  I'll just have to read more carefully next time. Great story by the way.

                   Thanks,

                                    Vince

Hi Anita Mae:

    OK, with your permission, I will share these comments as a learning experience. If I am wrong, it is going to be more a learning experience for me. 

     BTW, I seem to always have more comments on your pieces because they are so interesting. However, I am afraid if I comment too much, some may think I am picking on you when in reality it is just the reverse.  So here goes and please consider that I am trying to be helpful. 

     My first comment is about not revealing the gender of the POV character until the very end. Since you are female and you did not mention the character's gender, I just assumed the character was female. In third person POV it is very easy to describe the lead characters. In First Person it is a challenge to describe the POV character early in the story because people usually do not describe themselves to themselves. All writers have to solve this problem when they use First person POV.  The cliché is having the character look into a mirror and make comments about themselves. A good writer tries to avoid this and come up with something original. I would have liked to have some key information on the POV character early in the story. This helps relate to the character and make better sense of the story facts.

     Sometimes, as in a mystery, it might be important to keep the age or sex of the POV character hidden and in these cases that's fine. However, I think it is important to get the reader "invested" in the character by quickly learning who the character is. I think this is more evident to writers who often write in First Person than writers who usually don't use the First Person.

     My second concern was the use of what I see as Third Person POV sentence structure. The First Person POV is ideal for creating immediacy. You are there with the character. With this in mind, consider the examples below:

    "Because of comments he'd made in the last few days, it was suspected he went exploring in a nearby abandoned gravel pit."

REVISION

"I thought the kid might have gone exploring in the nearby abandoned gravel pit because of comments he made the other day.

Due to a high water table, every time I started working the heavy machinery needed to extract the gravel, the vibrations caused avalanches in the thirty foot walls.

 REVISION

Every time I started working the heavy machinery to extract the gravel, the vibrations caused avalanches. The thirty foot walls had been undermined by the high water table.

With my kit ready, I slung it across my back and headed down the road.

REVISION

"I slung my kit across my back and headed down the road."

A hundred yards after leaving the Jeep, I stopped. From this vantage point, I could see maybe fifty percent of the area. But it was all gray.

REVISION

"I left the Jeep and walked about a hundreds yards. I could see maybe fifty percent of the area from where I was standing. Everything was all gray."

     These are just the first examples I came across.

     These examples give an idea what I meant when I said some of your copy did not read like a First Person POV to me -- even though it was. I think the power of first person is in being direct, personal, and immediate. I think direct statements work best and they also seem more like the way people actually speak when they are telling you something.

    Since these might be considered "stylistic" changes and because the story was otherwise so good, I still gave you a high grade.

     I like first person POV when it is the best choice to present a story.  I don't like it in most romances because I want to know what is going on in both the hero and heroine's mind. I find the actual step-by-step process of falling in love to be the most interesting aspect of the romance novel. To get the full benefit of this, you need to see into the heads of both the hero and heroine.

     On the other hand, if I am reading about a Marine sniper's experience in Viet Nam, I prefer a First Person POV.

     I hope everyone sees this as an effort to be helpful.  I was willing to keep it private.   I should also disclose that more often then not, I don't finish, first, second, or third in these challenges.  I'm just glad to be here.

Thanks,

Vince

Nancy:   I particularly liked your diary approach. Your story read very quickly and easily.  It totally held my interest.  I would have liked to know a little more about the POV character sooner so I would better appreciate what I was reading. Was she a 30 year old career woman or a teen in high school?   (One of the big problems with First Person POV is describing the POV character to the reader without using the cliché "looking in the mirror" and having the POV character comment about himself or herself. First person is really ideal for a series character like Matt Helm, or James Bond, where the reader already knows all about him.)  You did very well. You just happened to be in a week when there were some extra high scores.

Tiger Toes:  I agree with the other comments that you should try for a Noc Bite. I like Noc Bites (I've reviewed all three that have come out). I'd like to see Harlequin publish more Noc Bites a month. To do that they need submissions.  Thanks for your comments on my post. You mentioned "Tips".  This is what I would suggest: whenever you are learning something, study the best examples you can. For example, Lucy Monroe and Trish Wylie write great dialogue. Betty Neels writes the best descriptions of locations and living quarters. I thought "The Yellow Wallpaper" was a classic example of powerful First Person POV.  Lucy Gordon does a wonderful job of describing local customs and dialects. I try to mention in my book reviews when an author is great in a given area of writing.  Maureen Child can say more and set a story up in fewer words than any romance writer I know. Study the best you can find and let it sink-in and become a part of your thinking - develop your own voice; however,  you always seem to get better quicker if you play with players who are better than you are. That's my theory.

NatalieH:  Your story was exciting to read and I thought it might be the winner right after I read it. You have a strong sense for action stories. You just picked a week when there were some extra high scores. I do think you need to check the screen appearance of the type. The way it was on my monitor made it choppy and hard to read. I would suggest that you copy it and try to post it again - only as a preview - just to get some practice getting it to look right on the screen.  Then, of course, don't actually post it. (I have to do a lot of editng  every time I post a story or book review. )

NHJeepchick04:  You should be encouraged because what you had was very good. I should point out that 20% of your score is content. This includes both quality and quantity. ( That is, "What was there and how good was it?") It is more difficult to write high quality content for 1000 words than it is for 300 words. So while the contest is for 1000 words or less, if you write much less than 1000 words, there will be less content to score which may hurt your score. At least this is how I interpret "content".  I look forward to reading your next entry.

Writer2b:  I think any other week and you would have won. You were the narrowest margin possible away from making it a three-way tie for first. Great story. Keep at it. You have talent.  

Thanks,

Vince

To all our French Friends:

Enjoy your  "Fête Nationale!"

Thnaks,

Vince

Hi Stargirl:

          I'm sorry we missed connections. Maybe next time we can connect. I think two judges work just fine but I also think three judges are ideal. Judging is a very good learning experience. I encourage those who can to volunteer because you will benefit from the experience. Of course, it's more fun to write!

Thanks,

Vince

Hi Jody:

          I loved your story. I appreciated the facts you included to make it come alive and seem real. I think it was a perfect use of First Person POV.  The writing was not only profession quality, it was polished professional quality.  The story grabbed me right away and held me to the end.  I can't wait to read your first book!

Thanks,

Vince

Hi Anita Mae:

             I'd love to hear that John Conlee song.  It would make a great video.

             In my story, I was trying to show the English professor heroine was so much into the Yellow Wallpaper story that she entered the story when she was in the life and death state after her operation. There were two dangers: one was that she was going insane and might not come back. The the other danger was that she would die as a result of her operation.  

           The Yellow Wallpaper  is a stand alone classic. It is also one of the most powerful uses of First Person POV that I know of in a short story. (I also had another agenda. I used to think that reading The Yellow Wallpaper could drive you crazy and that is what was happening to the heroine. Three lectures on a short story is a little over the top.)

          Your story was very strong and well structured. I could tell you were not comfortable with First Person POV as I came across many examples where your sentence structure was Third Person even though you used the "I".  I'd be happy to email these examples to you if you would want to read them.  Just let me know. It would be interesting to see if you agree with my observations.

                 Great story,

                   Thanks,

                                   Vince

Here Are The Challenge Winners:

First Place:    Tie     JodyG  "A Ride to Remember"  &

                                    Anita Mae  "Kid in a Gravel Pit"

Second Place:         Writer2b   "Stray Rescue"

Third Place:            TigerToes   "Saturday's Frame"  

     Congratulations to all the winners.   A special thanks to batmom72 for judging. Again the results were close.

     You might wonder why there seem to a lot of ties in this competition.  

     Here's why: points are awarded in each of 5 categories. The maximum is 2 points. It is possible to give a half point.  But that's it. So out of a possible 10 points the choices are 10, 9.5, 9, 8.5 and so on.  This makes it easy for two people to get the same score. If the score was on a percentage basis, then scores could be from 1 to 100. So instead of both contestants getting 9.5, one could get 94 and another 96. Thus the likelihood  for ties would be much less.

     However, I prefer the current system because the difference between 94% and 96% is far too subjective to be meaningful. I think the current system actually balances out some of the subjectivity in judging.  This makes the judging fairer even if it increases the possibility of getting a tie.  

      I just wanted to point this out to let you know ties are a natural function of the grading system and not the result of judges being unable to make up their minds.   

Now its up to Jody and Anita Mae to come up with the next challenge.

Thanks,

Vince

      We have both judged the entries and everything is very close. I would love to have a third judge's opinion.  If you can do it before 6:00 pm, EST, please do.  I can still get the results posted tonight.  

       My email is:

             Vmres at swbell.net

      Thanks,

        Vince

Hi All:

All the entries are in.

Batmom72:  I will need you to help judging when you get back tonight.  (We may be the only two.)

I also need one more judge. Please.

I have not read any of the entries yet but if they are as good as the comments indicate, we really need three judges to get the most valid consensus winners. If you can judge this time, please email me. I'll announce it on the board ASAP.

My email:   vmres at swbell.net

It's time to read all the entires.

Thanks,

Vince